Girls, Guys and Manuals
by TCBN
Summary: Wendy writes a manual that she writes and hides in the girl's bathroom instructing girls on how to get a guy. Wendy gets Alex (oc) to abide by the rules and get a guy, Rebecca and Karen try out the advice, The quintuplets returns which threatens to reveal the secret manual after revealing their very own dark secret whilst taking the school hostage, someone sends Alex secret notes
1. Open up

Wendy licked her right index finger and smacked the enter button on her keyboard, a wide smile on her face. This was going to be the best book in the entire universe! But first she had to figure out what to write in it. Wendy stared at the blank Word document staring blankly at her as she whipped out her mobile phone.

"Bebe!" Wendy nearly launched out of her seat as an idea came to mind, "I have an idea!"

"What's tha… it's two in the m- morning Wendy" Bebe murmured

"Sit up" Wendy ordered, "I am going to write and publish a book all about how to get a guy"

"Go drink tea and go to bed" Bebe sighed  
"NO!" Wendy cackled, "I have the biggest plan in my head, my brains hurt"

Wendy could hear Bebe turn over in her bed, voice muffled by her pillow.

"Mph" Bebe mumbled

"I'm going to do an experiment on our good friend Alex" Wendy chuckled, "I am going to analyze her techniques and write them!"

Wendy waited for Bebe to speak. Instead, she heard a slow, soft and long snore, which meant that Bebe was already asleep, phone rammed between her head and the pillow.

"Bebe" Wendy sang, "Wakey wakey"

Wendy then heard the phone get slammed against a wall, disconnecting the line. Wendy rolled her eyes and hung up, diving under her covers. This was going to be a revolution. This book was going to be hidden under the girl's bathroom for all to see and learn.

_101 clichés about dating guys_

_1. Thou shalt see the guy on thou same league _


	2. Flaming Ushankas

Stan poured himself a shot of Baileys, not entirely sure why Alex was staring at him in utter shock.

"What? You're drinking Baileys for breakfast!?" Alex gawped

"Yeah, dude" Stan shrugged, downing it's contents and pouring himself another

"That's fucked up" Alex deadpanned

"Then don't watch" Stan retorted

"Gimme that" Alex swiped at the bottle

"Give that back to me!" Stan whined Alex quickly gulped down a few mouthfuls, much to Stan's annoyance.

"Oh, now I know why you do this" Alex giggled, wiping her mouth and passing it back, feeling a little bit smiley all of a sudden.

Kenny, Kyle and Cartman arrived at the bus stop where they were standing; Stan quickly hid the bottle after taking one last swig.

"You look happy, today" Kenny stared at Alex

"Mhmm" Alex didn't dare speak, alcohol still burning her throat.

"I haven't started that geography project yet" Stan muttered

"I've done mine!" Kyle jeered

"Well, could I copy it?" Stan asked

"No, dude!" Kyle snapped, "I work hard for my great A's"

Kenny stared at Kenny and started to laugh, red faced. Everyone looked at each other. What on earth was so funny about what Kyle had just said?

"I'm sure you work very hard for your great Ass" Kenny cracked up

"Shut up" Kyle snapped, irritated

"No, really!" Kenny laughed at his play on words, "In all seriousness, you know how one can light farts?"

"Yeah?" everyone said in unison

"I think you can light-" Kenny lit a match. Just as he did that, Alex widened her eyes and let out the loudest most embarrassing burp, causing Kyle's plastic hat to go up in flames.

"SHIT! My ushanka!" Kyle screamed, slamming it to the snowy ground and stomping out the flames, the green turning into a blackened molten mess.

"Oh shit, I am so sorry!" Alex squeaked, reddening "

Crap! Now everyone can see my ugly hair!" Kyle complained "Fugly hair!" Cartman chortled, "Your hair looks as if someone tried to put a bushfire out with a needle!"

"Shut up, fatass!" Kyle retorted, looking upset

"Your hair looks fine" Alex smiled at him, resisting touching it

"T-thank you" Kyle jumped in surprised

"I think THAT was a ploy for Kyle to lose his hat!" Cartman teased

"N- no it wasn't" Alex hiccuped

"You can't light burps!" Kenny piped up, changing the subject "Unless Alex ate flammables"

"Uh" Alex suppressed a burp, "I think I ate fire"

2. Thou must hang out with the crowd


	3. Wriggling

In class, Bebe and Sam were passing notes. Alex was the middleman, passing a note from Bebe or to Bebe.

_I think we should see other people_

_We're discussing this now?_

_Yes._

_But why are you doing this!?_

_So you won't make a scene in a quiet place_

Alex couldn't help but glare at Sam and Bebe, head turning left and right, upset. Bebe snorted with laughter and Sam passed a note to Alex.

_Happy April fools_

Alex bashed her head on the table, having a partner in crime was just about the one thing she wished for.

"What is so funny, Alex?" Mr Garrison asked

"I'm crying, Mr Garrison" Alex stifled laughter, "My two best friends just broke up through letters"

"Break up through letters? I remember when there were _letters_!" Mr Garrison chortled, "Anyway, back to social studies"

_Who said that Mr Garrison could teach year ten? _

A note wedged itself into her hair as if it were Velcro. Plucking it out, she read it, stifling a laugh. She wasn't sure whom this was from but she wrote a note and tossed it behind her left shoulder, hearing someone grab it and unravel it. This went on for some time.

_I never thought someone would ever be so gung ho about throwing notes without looking. _

_I don't care who reads these letters, they're just nonsense _

_Not even if your life's secrets were written on it?_

_Not Even_

_Not even if I wrote the world's best recipe for pop tarts?_

_I hate pop tarts_

_Okay, what about cheesecake_

Alex automatically looked where Kenny was sitting, He always made cheesecake but it wasn't the creamy sweet treat called cheesecake Alex knew. It was the cheesecake that sent you spiraling into a hallucination of nudity. Kenny was sitting right in front of her. The culprit sending notes certainly wasn't Kenny.

_Dude. Cheesecake?_

_Not Kenny's cheesecake. The real cheesecake_

_That's what Kenny calls it!_

_The cheesy creamy goodness that caused you to get on a sugar high, not hallucinate with a wriggling thing in your pants. _

_I do NOT have a wriggling thing in my pants! _

_I'm talking about the majority of the male gender_

_Well, what good use is Kenny's cheesecake for me? I'm not even a guy or gay _

_Or if Kenny invented a cake for the ladies, perhaps?_

_Nope, no chance_

_You wouldn't try cheesecake for women?_

_No._

_Why not?_

_Would you?_

_No._

_You're a liar_

_Everyone denies jerking_

That one sailed into Mr Garrison's table, causing him to turn around and stare in horror. He lifted it up and stared.

"Everyone denies jerking" Mr Garrison deadpanned

A note plunked on Alex's lap.

_Be glad the note about wriggling things didn't make it to Mr Garrison's desk_

_Shut your wriggly!_

_Anti-wriggler_

Alex rolled her eyes and resumed focus on class, laughing at the weirdest conversation she had just had.

3. Make the most of strange occurrences


	4. Do not back down

Alex flushed the toilet and walked out the cubical, jumping as she saw Wendy standing, holding a thick book under her arm. She looked determined to win this thing.

"I want to back out" Alex sighed

"You can't back out now!" Wendy shook her pink book, "You're the primary specimen of the project!"

"Why don't you go and test yourself?" Alex said

"I can't! I'm the writer!" Wendy complained

"Someone's been sending me notes" Alex opened out a note, "it had been slipped through my locker. Same writing as the person who passed notes with me this afternoon"

"Who is it?" Wendy asked, forgetting her book

"I don't know" Alex shrugged, "I think the book's a bad idea"

"Don't be stupid" Wendy laughed, "This book just has a list of rules"

"What, like wait for the third ring of the phone?" Alex asked, "Yawn and stretch?"

"Huh?" Wendy blinked, "Oh yeah!"

Wendy whipped out a pen and wrote the two rules down.

"Once the experiment is over" Wendy shoved the book under the sinks, "You're a free bird. Helping other girls like you get guys"

"Huh" Alex shrugged, "Look, this probably isn't that easy, following a set of rules"

"It has to be!" Wendy said, "all you have to do is follow my rules"

"Girl, you've only dated Clyde for five minutes, Token for an hour and Stan for about seven years and going!"

"So, I gotta know _something_" Wendy winked

"Maybe you do, or probably not" Alex shrugged, washing her hands

"I've been thinking" Wendy walked over to Alex, "Maybe your secret note passer could be of interest"

Sam dumped the remains of his lunch into the bin and walked outside. Once he ambled down the steps, shivering against the wind, Kenny pulled him aside. "Dude!" Kenny shouted, "The two celebrities from so long ago have rejoined for one last movie!"

"Who?" Sam blinked

"You know" Kenny waved a hand, "Katniss and Peeta"

"I was thinking along the lines of Terrance and Ph-" Sam started

"PFFF! Them? They're so stale! All they do is shit on themselves, I'm surprised neither has developed gangrene"

"Eugh" Sam shuddered, "so, are you talking about Catching Fire?"

"Of course I am!" Kenny laughed, "Who else would I be talking about?"

"I don't know" Sam shrugged, "The king and qu-"

Kenny snorted loudly, causing Sam to not bother continuing his remark.

"Are you taking anyone?" Kenny egged

"Nah" Sam shrugged, "so it's just the eight of us?"

"I think so" Kenny grinned, "There's a many to pick from in that crowd"

"Stop that" Sam flipped him off, "It's pathetic"

"What! You're the one who agreed to the whole idea!" Kenny retorted

"Well, I'm starting to think the whole idea is going to explode into a whole puss filled mess!" Sam snapped

"Well, you better participate and keep quiet about last week" Kenny ordered

4. Girl's shoulders are not as armrests.

**The boys are hiding a secret, Alex hatches a plan, the girls read the manual and the world keeps spinning. **


	5. Movies

Alex stared at the screen, only to have a piece of paper fly into her bucket of popcorn.

_And the mysterious note person is at the movies! You'll never find out who I am!_

Having no ammunition to throw or ink to write with she ignored it. Instead she threw popcorn over her head without looking, and heard a loud crunch of popcorn being eaten. Dismissing it, she resumed watching the movie.

Meanwhile, in another seat, Bebe whispered to Wendy.

"Her hair, it's so beautiful when it's wild" Bebe laughed

"Remember, they're forever staging actors to look pretty" Wendy pointed at an actor's perfectly rounded curls, "Nobody can have hair like that during what just happened"

"But-" Bebe was about to protest, after seeing an arm wrap itself on Wendy's shoulders, bringing the entire conversation to a halt. She resumed to the screen, wondering what Katniss would do since she was bawling her eyes out loudly on screen and Bebe wasn't sure why.

Kenny typed a note into his phone, putting it away. He turned to Sam, laughing.

"I thought this was going to be a chick flick so many times" Kenny looked relieved

"So, any observations?" Kenny asked

"No" Sam thought for a moment, "I think the girls are up to something"

"What, they're always up to something" Kenny shrugged

Kyle leaned over the other side of Sam, "I didn't think Katniss actually cared about Peeta"

"Were you even listening to us?" Kenny blinked in his direction

"No" Kyle sat up, "I thought you were talking about the movie"

**Who is the mysterious note passer? Will the boy's secret be found? Writer's block immanent **


	6. The quintuplet code

Rebecca slowly shoved the pink book back under the sink in the girl's bathrooms. She wasn't planning on chasing anyone and nor was her best friend who scribbled a few notes from the book.

"I- I hope something good comes out of this" Rebecca stammered

"Sure we can!" Karen looked starry eyed, the way she always did when she thought about possibilities that made her smile

"Well" Rebecca took the book back out the sink bottom, "Let's see"

_People are always struggling to find other-_

A loud noise caused both girls to look up, seeing someone they had never seen before. Dark black hair and olive skin with a light blue shirt with a very touristy shirt with Aunt Samantha on it with _The ladies can do it, too_ printed on it.

"Hi" Karen blinked at the person walking to them

"Hi, I'm Nadia" she smiled at them, "what do you have there?"

"Nothing" Karen hugged the book to her chest, "some diary of mine"

"Oh" Nadia stared, "what's so important about a diary in the bathroom"

"Are you new?" Rebecca asked her question

"I've always been here, no one takes notice of me" Nadia remarked

"Oh" Rebecca and Karen looked at one another then at Nadia

"What's that diary?" Nadia stepped forward

"He- hey! You're one of the quintuplets!" Karen stared, "The boys wanted to do a circus with you!"

"Yep" Nadia flicked her hair, "we did come back, after all"

"Ah" Karen made to put the book in her bag, to save from Nadia seeing it

"Stop diverting the conversation!" Nadia snapped, snatching the book out her grasp

"You're one of the guys spies!" Rebecca accused

"I'm not! I don't even talk to them anyway" Nadia scoffed, reading

"Oh" Karen shrugged, "In that case, go ahead"

"How to get guys?" Nadia lifted an eyebrow, "really?"

"Yeah" Karen took the book back, "and I assume you-"

"That's really stupid" Nadia laughed

"You won't understand" Karen rolled her eyes, "In America, and probably various other places, we tend to collaborate with one another about this stuff!"

"At least it's not the Burn Book from Mean Girls" Nadia shrugged, "What exactly is in that?"

"Well, a girl's been observing other couples and writing articles about how others can get people. She lists rules too" Karen explained

Nadia turned to leave when both girls held her back.

"Before you go" Karen said, "You need to swear to the book that you won't tell anyone"

"Which one? The manual?" Nadia blinked

"The _other_ one!" Karen laughed

"Oh the bible!" Nadia turned around

"No, the girl code!" Karen snapped

"I swear" Nadia trailed off, "On Jennifer Lawrence's hair coloring that I won't tell a thing"

"Seriously, what is her real hair colour? Blonde, Black or just Brown?" Rebecca laughed

"Rebecca!" Karen snapped, "the oath"

"I swear on the girl code" Nadia grinned


	7. Codes

Sam sat at the swings; mind elsewhere, until someone sat on the neighboring swing.

"Did you see the new kid?" Alex asked, shifting her weight in the swing

"It's five new kids" Sam snorted, "They all look identical"

"Oh" Alex laughed, "So a time turner doesn't exist, after all"

"Nope" Sam popped the _P_, looking at his feet

"Smile!" someone snapped a camera in their direction

"Really, what's scandalous about two kids sitting in swings?" Sam snapped at the culprit

"My sisters and I are writing the school paper this year! We love spreading news!" she giggled, tossing her black hair

"Oh" Alex stared, "what's your name?"

"Glace" she giggled, running off

"I'm never going to remember her name" Sam laughed, "They all look so alike"

"Yeah" Alex started to swing, "Hey, uh"… do you know anything about paper notes?"

Sam shrugged as he started swinging, "Don't know, why?"

"There's this person giving me paper messages" Alex explained, "and I don't know who it is"

"Oh" Sam looked interested, "How mysterious"

"Too damn light on feet" Alex shrugged, "they were at the movies, so it's definitely one of you"

"Well, there's Wendy, Bebe, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Me" Sam shrugged

Alex just shrugged, keeping on swinging.

"Why didn't you invite me to the MOVIE!" Cartman whined, face red from the cold.

"Because we thought we could enjoy one day without someone making a slur or comment" Sam snapped

"You broke the bro code" Cartman retorted

"Screw the code" Sam muttered, "Rules and regulations for friendships and relationships are overrated"

Alex nearly did a double take. Sam was right about that but she couldn't say anything, just in case someone was watching. The girl code wasn't a democracy like the bro code. Somewhere, a few years ago, she had managed to swear to both codes. No one knew how that happened or where she stood.

"The bro code" Cartman lifted a finger, "Is the most important document in the world"

"No, the bro secret is the biggest code ever" Sam rolled his eyes, "One law overrides the other"

Cartman scoffed, "whatever, Jew"

"We just need someone else from Jersey and Sam, Kyle and I can torment you with the three J's" Alex laughed

"Shut up, ginger!" Cartman snapped, skulking off, into one of the quintuplets.

"Hello, tubby" she smiled, flicking invisible dirt from her shirt

"Hey! I am not tubby" Cartman shouted

"Is that so?" she grinned, walking off after taking a very quick photo of his angry expression, "Tub of lard"

_5. Arm yourself to the teeth with information about your friend, get to know him and be a friend first_


	8. Doublers

Sam chucked a whole bottle of water over his head. Running the length of the football pitch with Stan was hard enough while making conversation. Stan wouldn't ever go red, ignoring the beetroot red puffing sweaty thing running beside him. Wiping his sweaty brow, he walked inside, Stan had begged him o do one extra lap, so wen they were done, the showers would be free. Sam went inside, glad to have a bathroom to himself, for privacy.

"Oh my god!" someone gasped

Sam turned around. Since it was a female voice, he assumed it was from the other bathroom. He walked over and turned on the showers, sighing in relief as hot water washed dirt out his hair.

"AH!" someone screamed, "Kenny!"

Sam turned around. Kenny must've run into the girl's bathrooms, what an asshole. No one was in his own bathroom. Shrugging he turned back to the wall for dignity, in habit.

"Oh, OHHH!" the person squealed

Sam turned off the taps and got changed into his garb, not entirely sure what was going on in the other bathroom. Once the blood in his head wasn't pulsing as violently and the taps had stopped dripping, he could hear the groan of a bench. He turned to where the line of toilet cubicles stood. One door was shut.

"Bebe!" someone shouted, as if happy to see them, from the closed door

"Bebe!?" Sam spat, staring at closed door

"O-Oh shit" Kenny's voice sounded

"Sam!" Bebe's voice screamed from the door

"What the fuck!" Sam swore, standing there, feeling awkward as ever

"Oh god" Bebe squeaked, behind the door

The frantic sound of fumbling, zips and clothes erupted for a minute.

"You TRAITOR!" Sam shouted as Kenny opened the door

"What!?" Kenny blinked, "You walked in on us!"

Sam scowled, "You fucked my girlfriend!"

"She's your _girlfriend_!?" Kenny went white

"Traitors!" Sam swore, only to realize Kenny's reaction

"No!" Kenny shouted, "BEBE is the traitor! I didn't know!"

"Wait!" Bebe tried, hair rumpled, running to the duo

"You two timing WHORE!" Kenny shouted, shoving Bebe

"Look, I'm sorry!" Bebe trembled, tears rolling down her cheeks

"We're over" Sam seethed, walking out, Kenny in tow

"Uh, HE raped me!" Bebe shouted, trembling before the two boys stormed out, leaving the crying heap on the floor.

Sam was angrily muttering, occasionally swiping his bag in the light poles they passed. Kenny had his hands in his pockets, looking at his feet as they walked.

"Dude, I'm sorry about what just happened" Kenny mumbled, facing him

"I don't know what to say, think or do" Sam shook his head

"Break up?" Kenny asked in a small voice, "I didn't know you two were a couple"

"Well, now you do!" Sam spat, "well, we _were_"

"I can't believe she would do that" Kenny sighed, "Uh… Sam?"

"Yeah dude?" Sam turned around

"We were dating for about two years" Kenny mumbled, "you?"

"One and a bit" Sam said quietly as he turned around and banged his head on a building wall, swearing.

_ 5. Be faithful _


	9. Meetings

The girls sat in a room of chairs, facing a podium where Glace and Wendy stood. Glace handed a picture over, face straight. She slowly went back to her seat.

"I told you she was a spy" Karen whispered to Rebecca

"Bebe Stevens" Wendy cleared her throat, "You have defamed the girl code"

"I'm sorry" Bebe stood on her chair, "I love them both dearly!"

"Well, you clearly learnt something wrong from watching too much Twilight" Wendy scoffed, "Guys will never ever trust two timing sluts. Trust and forgiveness is something that can be broken and never repaired"

"Yeah I know all of that!" Bebe snapped

"Clearly you don't!" Alex shouted, sitting next to Bebe

"Bebe" Wendy said, "due to the extent of your offence, you have been banished from the girl meetings for the rest of the year"

"BITCHES" Bebe pointed at the quintuplets, "THAT'S child pornography!"

"Take her away, ladies" Wendy ordered, "The quintuplets took a photo as evidence of your scandal "

"Asshole!" Bebe swore, jumping from her seat and walking off before anyone could get a chance to throw her out

"Meeting dismissed" Wendy used her fist as a gavel, "bye!"

As the girls swarmed out the room, Karen followed Rebecca outside.

"Hey, uh, I read the book again" Rebecca smiled, "I think I'm confident"

"The book won't allow it" Karen said

"But the book doesn't mention anything" Rebecca smiled, "about breaking two people up"

"Look, you should be careful about doing that" Karen warned

"Pfff" Rebecca scoffed

They walked out onto the pavement. Everyone was walking home or taking the bus. Bebe was on a bench, crying hysterically.

"Aw shit, I should talk to her" Rebecca made for Bebe

"Bebe!" Rebecca made in her direction

"Don't you talk to me!" Bebe whimpered, standing up

"I'm not here to belittle you!" Rebecca was about to place a hand on her shoulder when she turned and bolted away from her, over the road. Someone screamed. Rebecca looked to the left of the road and saw someone on their phone, driving out the student car park.

"Glace" Wendy screamed, waving at the car hurtling down the road. It was far too late. Bebe's brains had splattered up onto the students who were standing on the pavement.

"Bebe" Wendy slowly walked up to the splattered corpse, ignoring Glace's whitening expression, tear stained. Alex appeared, pushing through the crowd.

"Shit!" Alex swore

Everyone could do nothing but stare at the hopeless mess on the road. Blood and guts smeared all over the place and the hood of Glace's car.


	10. Hostages

The class that morning was silent. The teacher droned on his boring lesson that nobody listened to. Alex rested her chin on her arms. She was thinking of the ease of life being taken away from someone. Halfway through the class, a note fell on her table.

_I'm sorry about Bebe_

_I'm sorry, too. I'm also feeling sorry for Sam and Kenny because of Bebe_

_Are you okay?_

_I'm just tired. Personal issues_

_Tell me? I'm bored of thus lesson. Girl drama would be entertaining_

_It's a secret_

_Is it really a secret?_

_Yeah. I can't risk telling you_

_How about a secret for a secret? I tell you yours and I'll tell you mine_

_What if you make one up and I told you a real one?_

_I won't_

_I'm not telling. Can you tell me who you are?_

_I think about you frequently_

_You're a guy?_

_What? Can't girls think about you frequently?_

_You just seem like a guy! _

_Maybe. Ask me another question_

_Why are you sending me notes?_

_Because you're funny and good to talk to, another question_

The bell rang, meaning everyone had to switch classes and move classrooms. Whilst everyone was moving around, talking and moving, a bell screamed in the halls.

_The school is under lock down! _ A siren blared like an ambulance's. Everyone started to scream and run. Alex, unsure where to run, started running for the bathroom, she needed to use the toilet anyway. The lights were shut off and the siren deafened everyone. She dived through a bathroom door, and sat down, panting heavily, in pitch black.

"Alex?" Kenny's voice whispered, "You're in the boy's bathroom"

"Shut up" Alex shook, sweating

The door burst open and someone barreled inside, causing Alex to scream in fright.

"Oh my god!" Alex screamed as she heard the door lock

"Shh!" Sam's quiet voice said, a hand covering her mouth, "We don't want to give ourselves away. I locked us in"

Alex took his hand off and hugged her knees, shaking in fear.

"This is so weird" Kenny's voice whispered, "we're all sitting in pitch blackness in a normally harshly lit bathroom"

They quietly laughed at this and fell quiet after a while.

Stan grabbed someone by the arm and yanked them with him into a closet, feeling the need to save someone other than himself in the process. Quivering in the silence, Stan sweated.

"Thank you" Rebecca's voice said, "That was sweet of you"

"Pleasure" Stan quickly said

"So, uhh" Rebecca was glad the room was dark, she was blushing, "How are you?"

"Just stay quiet, please" Stan snapped

"Stan" Rebecca whispered, "There's something i have to tell you"

Rebecca slowly placed a large in Stan's hands.

"What is this?" Stan asked, using his phone as a torch

"The manual" Rebecca croaked


	11. Deadly

Wendy was in the girl's bathroom, shivering in fear. She had locked herself in with Karen and Cartman.

"Wendy" Bebe's voice sounded

"Bebe?" Wendy looked around the dim lit bathroom, "where are you?"

"Whom're you talking to?" Karen asked

"She's just hallucinating. She does that" Cartman laughed

"I've come to annoy you, silly goat" Bebe giggled

"Ugh" Wendy laid down on the floor, "I miss you"

"I'm sorry about what I did to Kenny and Sam" Bebe sniffed

"Why am I the only one that can hear you?" Wendy asked

"Because you're a hallucinating bitch" Cartman laughed

"Leave Wendy alone" Karen snapped

"Now I've come to haunt your dreams!" Bebe laughed

Wendy didn't reply. She sighed and closed her eyes.

"I have something to pass time" Karen said, opening what sounded like a beer can

"Ugh, no thanks" Wendy sighed

"Beer's for poor people" Cartman laughed

"Wendy wrote this!?" Stan swore, unable to keep his voice down

"Yeah" Rebecca mumbled, "it was a guide for us to get guys"

"You just betrayed the girl code" Stan muttered, "why?"

"Because you're my friend, too!" Rebecca said, reaching for his arm

"Get off of me" Stan spat, "You're always trying to break me and Wendy up!"

"Stan, please!" Rebecca reached for the book, "I betrayed the girl co-"

Stan shoved her out the door, closing it on her. She scrambled to her feet and banged on the door. Stan didn't move or say a word, just stand there.

"STAN!" Rebecca cried.

"Rebecca" a quintuplet snatched Rebecca up by the collar, pistol in her hand, "what filthy American do we have here?

"Please let go of me" Rebecca whimpered

"Fuck, I hate your whole country and especially your stuttering face!" she roared, thrusting a pistol to Rebecca's head and pulling the trigger.

Stan stood there, holding his breath, shaking. Blood slowly started to pool under the door, surrounding his shoes. He stifled a cry as he heard slow receding footsteps. Stan slowly looked under the crack of the door. He could see a limp body with a bullet wound to her temple.

Alex trembled in the room, sitting with the two others.

"Dude, the secret?" Kenny's voice whispered

"Now isn't the time, dude" Sam whispered back

"But if the lights turn on" Kenny trailed off

"Well, we can deal with that later, okay" Sam whispered

"Oh god I can't deal with this" Alex shuddered

Something bounced off her head, a piece of paper.

"Seriously?" Alex stifled laughter, "the note passer is one of you?"

"AHHH!" Kyle screamed, distant

"Shit! We have to help him!" Alex pocketed the note without reading it

"We need to stay here" Sam whispered, "we're safe in here"

"We have to go!" Alex stood up

"Yeah, I think we should go" Kenny stood as well, opening the door

"Bu-" Alex screamed as she saw a quintuplet launch onto her, growling

Kenny leapt forward, took out a knife and slit her throat, helping Alex up. Alex, shaken and covered in blood, ran, with Kyle and Kenny in tow, to the voice, ignoring sirens


	12. Death

Karen lay on the floor, occasionally laughing her head off. She was a little drunk.

"Hey, shut that poor bitch up!" Cartman snapped

"Hey shu- shuddup fat boy" Karen hiccupped

"Fuck YOU!" Karen roared, standing up, taking out a pistol, causing Wendy to scream and dive for cover.

"You're too poor you can't even afford-" Cartman froze and slowly thudded onto the ground, eyes rolling back to his head, blood pooling around him.

"Karen!" Wendy shrieked, snatching the gun from her

Someone knocked frantically on the door.

"Wendy!" Stan's voice cried

"Stan!" Wendy ran for the door, only t realize four feet were standing at the door.

"Open the door, asshole" one of the quintuplets snarled, "or your boy gets it!"

"Oh shit" Wendy trembled, taking the gun, "Open the door"

Karen wobbled over, and unlatched the door. The quintuplet kicked the door open. A gun pressed against Stan's temple.

"Let him go!" Wendy whimpered, shaking with the gun

Stan went white, shaking "Don't shoot!"

"Oh I will!" Wendy squeazed her eyes shut and fired

"DUDE!" Stan screamed, "You shouldn't close your eyes while firing"

"Oh thank god you're okay!" Wendy dropped the gun and ran for Stan, embracing him, quivering.

"I heard our friends are in the boys bathroom, we should go look" Wendy ran for the bathroom

"Don't go in there!" Stan screamed

The lights flickered on, revealing the secret the boys had kept for so long. The walls were lined with posters and pictures of girls in the locker room. Stan cold only watch Wendy scream in disgust, shuddering. On the mirrors, there were words of advice on post it notes with one liners and tips on picking up girls.

"YOU BITCH!" Wendy roared, facing Stan

"Wendy, I can explain" Stan dropped the manual on the floor accusatorily, "first explain this"

"Oh" Wendy went white, and then red, "It was our secret, I…"

"You kept a diary with rules how to date guys!?" Stan snapped

"I- I'm sorry!" Wendy trembled, "But YOU did thus!"

"Kenny's idea was the photos" Stan snapped

Kyle was tied and gagged on the chair in the principal's office, squirming in fear. Two quintuplets stood with massive guns.

"You're gone" one of them snarled, "Your useless American culture"

"Stop!" Kenny barged into the office, Sam and Alex in tow

"What the fuck do YOU want?" the darker of the assailants snarled

"I want you to set my friend free" Kenny snapped

Everything went too fast. So fast. Sam lunged for one of the girls, wrestling the pistol off, which fired shots around the room, eventually hitting Kyle in the leg.

"AH!" Kyle screamed, jumping in his tied up seat

Alex jumped for Kyle, frantically trying to untie him. Kenny grabbed the gun, still half Sam's grasp and the assailant's and pointed it at the other gunman who stared, white faced.

"Shoot!" Kenny grunted, struggling to hold the gun still

Sam reached for the trigger, wrestling for the gun to stay still, Kenny and he were sitting on the girl, muffling her screams under their weight.

Alex yanked Kyle out the seat, causing them both to topple over one another and scramble, helping Kyle up as he had a badly injured leg. Everyone screamed as a gunshot erupted, causing both quintuplets to fall to the ground. The quintuplet shot at her counterpart, slowly raising the gun to her mouth.

"Do it, asshole" Kyle muttered, staring as she blasted her brains against the wall.

_Loyalty is the most important feature in a relationship._


	13. Dismiss

Alex sat in the gymnasium and opened the piece of paper in her pocket from earlier.

_You now have two candidates from who this could be_

"So it's either Sam or Kenny" Alex threw the paper aside "Don't care right now"

"Okay children settle down" Mr Garrison spoke in the intercom

The whole school sat in the gymnasium, suddenly quiet. Kyle say beside Timmy, in a wheelchair, his shin missing.

"Okay children, I know yesterday was stressful but we need to learn about tolerance" Mr Garrison said

"They were intolerant! Not us!" Wendy snapped, "Stop it, Bebe!"

"Okay Wendy, Bebe's dead" Mr Garrison deadpanned

"But- she's right there!" Wendy screamed, pointing near the doorway

Everyone stared at her. People started to think she was crazy.

"We know you miss your best friend but now it's starting to make you crazy" Red whispered

"Since lots of death occurred yesterday we're going to dismiss you for a week to recover" Mr Garrison said

Everyone swarmed out the gymnasium, to a week long vacation.

"Why did you do that?" Mr Mackey asked Mr Garrison

"To stave the number of deaths" Mr Garrison replied

"Oh I think less people will return next week" Mr Mackey replied


	14. Sister

Kenny paced around Karen's room, annoyed.

"You just up and killed him?" Kenny snapped, irritated

"I was drunk! I couldn't help it" Karen sniffed

"Jesus, you can't just go around killing people!" Kenny retorted

"I'm sorry, just get out of my room!" Kenny shoved him out the door

Kenny sighed and went to his room, only to hear a crash. Kenny slowly walked back to the door that was now slammed shut. No sound from the other side. Shrugging, he went to his bedroom, to turn in for the night. He received a text from Alex.

_Crazy stuff from school, yesterday, how are you feeling?_

_News flash! My sister killed Cartman in drunken rage!_

_Holy shit! That's awful _

_But anything's expected while drunk_

_Hahaha! I'm still pondering over the notes!_

_Well, I don't think he plans to tell you who it is_

_Are you saying it was Sam?_

_I don't know. We're both a He so I'm referring to a He._

_Seriously, the both of you denied it and both of you were in the same room when I received the paper note. _

_Drop it, it's no biggie_

_It IS you!_

_Did you want it to be me?_

_Why does that matter?_

_Just wandering_

_It's 'Wondering' _

_Grammar nazi. _

_Sorry, lol_

_Haha, I have to go. And I'm not confirming who it is!_

_Tell me!_

_Na!_

Kenny fell asleep into a deep dreamless sleep that brought him to a sunny morning at ten o'clock. Nobody slept this late in his family. He jumped out of bed and mindlessly called if Karen wanted pop tarts for breakfast as the packaging packed two pop tarts at a time.

"KAREN!" Kenny screamed, "Poptarts are in the toaster!"

He didn't hear a thing. Maybe she had already gone out. Shrugging, he served himself the two pop tarts and wandered over to her room, munching on a pop tart.

"Mom? Dad?" Kenny called out. Sweet! The house was to himself today. Thinking to raid his sister's room to be annoying, he opened the door and dropped his plate which cracked in half on the floor just as a pop tart bounced off. His sister dangled from a cord hanging by the broken fan on the ceiling.


	15. Chaos

Kenny ran outside, unsure what to do. Karen was dead and Kenny was the only one who knew. Maybe if he brought her back from hell. He ran to Starks Pond and jumped in, holding his breath until the world blacked out before him. "

"Hello, children!" Satan greeted, "how are you, today?"

"Bad" Kenny answered, looking around for Karen

"Why bad?" Satan blinked

"Satan, you're not chef" Kenny deadpanned

Satan cleared his throat.

"Welcome to the epitome of hell where you soul will be forever tortured!" Satan laughed

"Hey, uh, remember that deal about me never dying?" Kenny said

"Do you remember what I told you on your fifteenth birthday?" Satan asked

"No" Kenny froze

"Upon your fifteenth birthday, your curse will be removed" Satan smiled

"Aw please? Just this one time?" Kenny pleaded, "I forgot!"

"You're never going back" Satan laughed

"Never?" Kenny gasped

Satan just looked at him and laughed.

Stan was at Kyle's house, playing Halo with difficulty with Kyle.

"Dude, it must suck not having a leg" Stan stared at his stump

"Yeah" Kyle touched his stump tenderly, "I sometimes think it's there, just twisted"

"Jesus" Stan sighed

"HELP!" Wendy barged into the living room

"Wendy? Are you alright?" Stan asked

"Bebe's harassing me! She keeps following me around and commenting on what I wear-" Wendy was cut off

"Dude, she's dead" Stan said

"Can you honestly not see her!?" Wendy gasped, "she's touching Kyle's hair RIGHT NOW!"

Kyle blinked, running a hand through his wild curls. Stan pulled an expression.

"Do you not believe me?" Wendy blinked, panting

"No, sweet cheeks" Stan sat back, "I made a few calls, for you to get help"

Two men entered the house and slapped a straight jacket on a screaming Wendy.

"What are you doing! Can't you see her!?" Wendy cried, kicking frantically

"I'm sorry but this is for your safety and sanity" Stan sighed

"No!" Wendy was dragged away, legs trailing in front of her "NOOOOO!"

"Kyle, the school did this to us!" Stan seethed

"It was all an accident. Trauma from yesterday" Kyle reasoned

"No, I have to do something!" Stan snapped, "I'm burning that fucking place"

Stan stormed off, to wall mart. He angrily bought five tanks of gas, gasoline, matches and plenty of oil.


	16. Friends in need

Alex opened the door that morning to see a cheesecake in a box on her doorstep with the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEX in cursive letters. She picked up the box and smiled to herself. Stan ran up to her, with two bags in each hand.

"Hey, what's the cake for?" Stan asked

"Someone gave it to me" Alex answered, "Care for some?"

"Sure, I have to go after though" Stan set down the bags and went inside with Alex. Alex opened the box up and cut herself and Stan a generous portion.

"This cake is fantastic" Stan smiled, sitting on the couch

"It is?" Alex sat with him, "I think either Kenny or Sam made it"

"You don't know who of them made it?" Stan laughed

"Nah" Alex shrugged, licking the creamy treat off her fork

"Well, it means we won't have to thank anyone specifically" Stan said

"I guess so" Alex smiled.

They were starting to feel tired but thought nothing of it. Stan served himself another portion as well as her. They continued talking about the shenanigans of school when suddenly they blacked out, dropping their plates to the ground.

Hours later, Stan was walking through the empty school, jerry can in hands, pouring the gasoline everywhere, smashing oil canisters here and there and drenching fire extinguishers and gas canisters in the boiler room. He ambled down the school steps shaking the last few drops of gasoline and turned around, a smile on his face. Stan slowly lit a match and dropped it to the ground, only to get blown off his feet from the eventual explosion of fire and char. Lying on the ground, groaning from the pain of getting blown off his feet, sirens wailed.

"This is the South Park Police" Barbrady barked, "I am afraid we're going to have to take you in"

"Umh" Sam rolled over, half knocked out

"I have eye witness accounts, me included, that you blew up the school" Barbrady turned Stan on his stomach and cuffed him, chucking him in the cop car.

Meanwhile, Alex was lying on a stone cold floor, staring up at a wooden ceiling. Various rows of glass cupboards holding fancy looking wine and delicious sounding beers surrounded her. On the floor, there were numerous crumpled cans of beer and a broken wine bottle. She groaned, turning over to face an open window that she had climbed into. She couldn't remember drinking all of this or ever entering the room.

"Alex!" someone screamed, running over

"Ugh, m- my head" Alex groaned, sitting up to vomit, lying back down

"What are you doing in my house's cellar!?" Sam's voice screamed in horror

Sam knelt beside Alex who struggled to keep her eyes open, she felt sore all over the place. A few words floated up in her mind, she pushed away fitfully.

"I think…" Alex curled up into a ball with difficulty "I… go.. got druhgged…"

Sam cradled Alex, unsure what the hell to do or say. She was very white in the face and her eyes were just about rolled back to her head.

"Alex?" Sam whispered, shaking in fear

Alex wiped off beer from her chin that dribbled out her mouth, he realized there were particles that resembled crushed pills or something. Her breath smelled of cake batter and booze.

"Shit" Sam swore, unable to stop hot tears of lava stream down his face, watching her lips darken in blue colouring. He stood and stuck a finger down her throat, in the hopes to force her to vomit.

..

After a while of frantic CPR and 911 calling, Alex snapped open her eyes, tasting the flavor of hamburgers, she gagged as Sam blew into her mouth, her nose pinched between his fingers. Shoving him off, she started coughing, breaking a sweat.

"Oh thank god you're okay" Sam sighed, hugging Alex's stunned form, "Please don't die"

"ugh…" Alex croaked, unable to move.

"Are you okay? The ambulance is on it's way" Sam whispered, starting to shake

"mmgh" Alex croaked out

"You don't remember breaking into my house and drinking the booze?" Sam gawped, touching her head

"N- No... Ch. cheesecake" Alex wheezed, tears rolling down her face

"What cheesecake?" Sam said quietly

Alex groaned, unable to speak. Her face went pale once again. A slow wheeze of air escaped her lungs as Sam slowly lifted her up in a hug, fresh tears spraying down his cheeks. The ambulance arrived...


	17. Closure

_Some months later_

Alex saw someone that looked like Kenny appear, from the ground, walking to her. Alex, started for the other direction, angry.

"Wait! I need to talk to you" Kenny pleaded

"Leave me alone" Alex muttered

"I drugged the cake" Kenny admitted, "I'm sorry!"

"Go away" Alex sighed, facing him

"I was jealous, I thought you didn't want it to be me sending the notes so I took revenge" Kenny explained

"You animal!" Alex shouted

"When I first started sending notes, I gave it to the others to throw at you to deter you thinking it was me" Kenny tried

"Are you done?" Alex snapped

"Did you want it to be me?" Kenny asked, "Because it was!"

"Just FUCK off!" Alex threw a ball of snow at his ghastly figure

Kenny looked at his feet and sank below the ground, to hell, where he stayed for the rest of eternity. Alex walked off, to her friends around the corner. Alex picked the book out of her bag. She had been meaning to destroy it. Now, she could do it, it almost felt ceremonial. Kyle and Sam watched in silence a Alex slowly dumped it into a bin nearby, lighting a match and throwing it in. They watched as the flames curled the blackening pages into a molten mess.

"Thank you" Alex took Sam's hand, "for saving me"

"Thank you for not dying" Sam grinned, squeezing her hand

"You see, I've learnt something today" Kyle interrupted, "we shouldn't be dictating how a relationship should happen or what someone should do in one. We should leave it to nature. The world is already busy with two timing whores, jealous criminals, crazy terrorists and boy crazy girls to deal with manuals on dating"

"Who needs a stupid manual anyway" Alex muttered

"I gitta go" Kyle wheeled home, "Mom says if i'm late for dinner, i'm grounded"

"I also have to go" Alex turned to leave

"Wait!" Sam touched Alex on the arm

"Yeah?" Alex blinked, facing him

"Do you want to go out some time?" Sam asked, hopeful

THE END.


End file.
